To (maybe) no one’s surprise…
My name is George, I’m 26 and live in East London. I have a loving partner and three cats named after food, as well as a fixation with video games and obscure facts. I have taken sertraline (Zoloft) to keep my anxiety and depression at manageable levels since 2016, yet even so, things didn’t seem quite right. Bouts of frustration, agitation, and confusion were commonplace and greatly affected my personal life and mental health. Recently I have been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, and it has been the final piece of a puzzle that I didn’t know I was solving.
When it comes to my professional life, I love statistics, creativity, and formulating fantastic campaigns with my incredible team, to churn out great results. For all intents and purposes, I come across as getting by relatively easily, and occasional social anxiety is lessened by breaks and time away from being face-to-face. In a way, the past year of working from home allowed me to excel in my strengths and do well at my job, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t miss the social interaction of being in the office. I feel a constant turmoil of back and forth of whether I'm extroverted, introverted, or both.
That said, my personal life is completely different altogether. I’m awkward, slightly (very) disorganised, and often think the worst of a situation. Some days I forget to have a meal, instead, becoming fixated on any little source of dopamine including mindlessly scrolling social media or playing video games while oblivious of the time. If you meet me in person, you’ve got to be patient enough to get through my awkward/shy phase before I become cool. I sometimes get frustrated at my lack of hearing, often asking people to repeat themselves and feeling embarrassed and a burden about it.
Before I waffle on some more, you’re probably wondering how any of this could possibly relate to autism. For a while, I first assumed my problems were related to my profound deafness with a cochlear implant, having grown up with the ingrained belief that nobody wanted to be friends with the disabled kid. But the more I think about it, the more it begins to make sense that I had fundamental difficulty in socialising and making friends, and still do. Social cues go over my head, and connecting the dots in conversation doesn’t come naturally. Oftentimes, what I say comes across as being disconnected or disorganised, compared to what I say on paper. I also neglect friendships, sometimes going weeks, even months before I catch up. I find some (lots) of noises pretty jarring when trying to concentrate, so in a way it’s a blessing I'm able to turn my speech processor off on command, I just don’t because it’s a bit, uh, rude. I also disconnect from reality sometimes (a lot).
On a more positive note, being on the spectrum does go a long way in explaining lots of nuances in my personality, and allows me to figure out the next steps in which to manage these behaviors and better my wellbeing.
I wanted to open up about being on the spectrum, as I wish to normalise conversation about being diagnosed as an adult. I struggle a lot with image, and how people perceive me. Hell, I’m still scared right now of what people will think of me after reading this and changing the way they interact (pretty please don’t). I just hope that I’ve at least given some insight into myself as a person, and encourage discussion around autism especially in today’s landscape where the discussion is often overlooked or discouraged.
